It’s the official start of summer, but here in Cape May we are actually winding down from another important season – wedding season. Cape May consistently ranks as one of the most popular wedding destinations in the US. I have no doubt it will rank at least 3rd again this year. Over 400 couples come to Cape May to marry every year, most in the months of May & June. It’s easy to see why. It’s beautiful here.
As I witness so many lovely newlyweds making their way to/from the beach or B&B on the day of their nuptials, I can’t help but wonder and hope…...have they done their preparation? Of course no couple ever knows what life has in store for them, but there are several practical and essential things they can and should do before they say “I do.”
What “should” they do? Talk, Communicate, Converse! Make the time to actually sit down and ask each other some important questions, and honestly answer them too. So, here is my little abbreviated check list of the things to sit down and discuss, not assume, not briefly mention, but really discuss with your partner:
WORK – What are your professional goals? How much time do you devote to your job? How do you feel about each other’s work? What about retirement?
HOME – Where do you want to live, and for how long? What style of living do you like? How will you share in the household chores?
FINANCES – How do you spend your money and on what? How much do you like to save? Who keeps the household books? Will you have joint or separate accounts, or both? What are your financial goals?
INTIMACY/SEX – How often do you prefer to make love? How is the quality of your intimacy? Are you comfortable with affection? How about publicly?
CHILDREN/FAMILY/FRIENDS – Do you want to have children? If so, how many? Do you want to adopt? What values and beliefs do you want to raise your children with? How will you share in the child-rearing duties? In what ways and to what extent will your families be involved in your lives? What about aging parents? How to you like to socialize? How do you feel about each other’s friends?
SPIRITUALITY– Do you observe the same faith or share the same practice, if any? Are certain holidays important for you to observe, and how? What about rituals around death and birth?
I hope it’s obvious I’m not advocating this task be tackled all in one sitting. It is also important here that I STRESS another point….…. Just because you and your partner may not be 100% in agreement with all of each other’s visions, values, and desires – most couples aren’t – this does not mean you are necessarily with the wrong person. What it does mean is that you are now much better informed.
If there are areas of disagreement or discord that seem crucial – they will require more attention and time to sort through. Perhaps seeking a good Couple’s Therapist to help you navigate this process would be wise. Naturally, I believe most couples would benefit from some premarital counseling – but I’ll leave that alone for now.
In future blog posts I’m sure I will delve in to more depth about one or more of the topics I recommend be addressed, but for now…this is a good a start!
How true the old adage……..a wedding does not a marriage make. So, after the ceremony, after the reception party, and after the honeymoon, the real marriage begins. If this will soon be you, or you’ve already taken the plunge, I wish you well and the gift of doing the work!
Christine Petrik, LCSW
http//:www.ChristinePetrik.com
"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not to twist them to fit our own image." - Thomas Merton
