I recently went to see a wonderful production of the play The Woolgatherer by William Mastrosimone at The Cape May Stage. It’s a powerful and evocative story about two unlikely people who come together, looking for “love.”
One of the most striking things about the characters was how they were both simultaneously, in their own way, desperately desiring and yet also fiercely rejecting connection. As I witnessed their attempt at the dance of courtship, their individual wounds around relationship painfully unraveled. The play beautifully demonstrated how sometimes the anticipation of attaining love can evoke some very strong resistance.
The need for a safe loving relationship, and the simultaneous push against it’s happening, is a phenomenon I often see in my practice with couples. It is also one of the most common experiences that keep single people from entering into intimate relationships to begin with. The intensity around this dynamic is sometimes very powerful and loud, other times subtle and quiet – but nonetheless present. Our deepest desire for true love all too often collides with our fear of the pain we may experience when attaining it.
So, how does one break through this destructive pattern and allow real connection to occur? Thankfully, due to some of the amazing new brain research that is being done we now have more evidence than ever that these patters can be successfully addressed. By understanding when and how our brains become triggered into that flight or fight response we can apply supportive and behavioral techniques that can interrupt negative patterns. With careful work, people can learn to create a safe and nurturing environment for themselves and their partners. Imago therapy is one approach that has shown to have significant impact in helping couples resolve conflict and restore healthy intimate connection.
As with so many self-imposed obstacles, a clear and sober understanding is key. It’s important to also stress; two essential qualities necessary for healing are patience and compassion, for yourself and your partner.
As Harville Hendrix, PhD has said, “We are wounded in relationship; therefore, we must heal in relationship.”
